Dear old you

How are you? I hope you’re well. I looked at me in the mirror yesterday and I saw a glimpse of the me I was with you. Remember her?

Remember when you were young and fun and had a full head of hair? Or when you would do stupid stuff just for the fun of laughing and living? Remember him?

Remember when we would hug because it felt good? Or when it was the absolute worst feeling to not talk for a day? When we couldn’t envision ourselves without each other? Remember then?

Remember when all we had were dreams and energy and time? When “I love you” meant exactly what we thought it meant and weighed exactly what we thought it did? Remember that?

I remember that innocence and the extremity of our dependence on each other’s existence. I wish we had stayed that way. I honestly do. Not because of regret. I love the me I am now. I hope you love you.

I just had hoped to have live my life with you and yesterday when I glimpsed that me in passing, I vaguely recalled how much I loved you. But we were kids and didn’t know what life had in store.

So from the other side of the bridge here I am shouting, I love you, with that sweet childlike innocent love I always have and I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you still have that smile I loved and that kindness I lived for. I hope you are receiving the care you deserve from a heart as pure as yours had always been. And I pray you are happy, fulfilled and alive.

And until next time, if there is a next time, take care of you, because even from this far away, it would hurt my soul if I found you haven’t. And it’s ok to from time to time, remember how you were when we were us. I don’t think you will ever be a better, sweeter or safer version of you than that. Again, I love you, as I always have and will.

From your first love, because you were also my first love.

Let’s Break Bread (Love Letter pt 3)

The way to a man’s heart is whatever that man loves the most

When you figure it out, you’ll let me know

Well I like long walks, and endless conversations, delicious food and situations without complications

So if you’re up for a long trek, or just meaningless purposeful drabble,

Let’s break bread

If you agree to disagree without any squabble

Let’s break bread

If you don’t care that I eat like a 5 year old, I won’t care if you’re as boisterous as the sea or reads the last chapter first

If you can withstand the cold touch of my toes, I’ll take the warm caress of your hands

Let’s break bread

New seasons start when there’s a breaking away from something old

So let’s break bread as I open this door to my heart to you

My Driver (Love Letter Pt 2)

He drives me
Wherever I want to go
Day or night
Night and day
He drives me
Summer or Fall 
Or Spring or cold cold Winters
He takes me to places
Because it’s his job
To take me there
He’s allowed to steer
He’s the man at the wheel
Taking corners and curves
Like he knows the place
like the back of his hands
Slowing down, speeding up 
Taking pit stops and water breaks
He drives me
because I want him to
I could drive myself
I’m fully capable 
But I rather enjoy the ride 
when he’s in control
and I’m his passenger 
So whether it’s early in the morning 
a quick midday trip
or a long night ride
I’m completely and totally at his mercy
as long as 
He drives me

Question for my Valen-MINE (Love Letter Pt 1)

How do you get to be

Involved with the most sensitive

Parts of me?

How do you

Dance with my emotions

And dabble in my thoughts?

How did you get access

To my obscured smile

And my love for good wine

My need for knowledge

And yearn for comfort

And desire for love?

You’re in, that’s a fact

I just want to know

How did you do that?

No Plan

There’s no plan to be all that you want or need
There’s no ulterior motive nor intention to convince 
Neither you nor myself that what this is, is mystical and spiritual and beautiful 
There’s nothing but this

There’s no plan to come running if you call and to do as you ask
There’s no reason to think that I would drop my old guard
Nor is there any sign that this road I’m on leads to that 
There’s just this

There’s no plan of great pledge of devotion, no fallacy 
There’s no utopian philosophy or promise of the beyond
Not even an intention of any such reality
This is all there is

There’s no plan to be maudlin if for any reason I can’t hold you
There isn’t, I promise this now. 
All that is and has and will happen is outside of the plan
Or part of a nonexistent one
All there is, is me and you. 

Adieu

One day I screamed
From the pent up anger
Self-inflicted silence
And emotional torment 
Brought on by hurt
A double serving of embarrassment 
Multiple doses and overdoses of lies
Unanswered questions, why’s 
Lack of closure
Nightmares and day terrors
Sleepless hollows
A terrifying realization 
Yet even more terrifying reality 
That all the above
Was endured
For reasons
That now 
Didn’t matter.

One morning I opened my eyes
Grateful for the gift of life
Acknowledging there are those
Who are frightened and fighting 
For their lives
And all I had was 
A broken heart
A broken promise 
A shattered dream
And that was not enough 
To be morbid or mortified over
That was not a relevant case 
To qualify 
For this level 
Of irrelevant distress 

I had had enough 
I was fresh out of fucks 
I had no more cares to give
And with that I screamed
Goodbye to both the tears and smiles
Farewell to 1 truth for every 2 lies
Sayonara to thinking I needed to endure
Au revoir to holding on anymore
To a life I had honestly lived
But now to enter this new one
I have to leave the other completely behind

So I bid you… 
Adieu 

Dear Papa Bear

I watched you helplessly, fearfully, faithfully, take my hands and comfort me while we both simultaneously endured our personal versions of heartbreak. I hugged you and you hugged me, I cried as you cried and we both silently questioned the Creator on the how and why of our collective pain. You have always been my rock, you have always been my beacon, and even in your most devastating and broken hour there you remained, my guide, my one and my true. Rubbing my back, as I rubbed yours, wiping my tears, as I yours, taking care of each other.

Dear Papa Bear…

I gained strength from your display of raw emotions that I could have never gained from your comforting embrace and this brought me to the state of gratitude, of having you orbit my world, grounding me, keeping me sane. I would have not chosen these experiences, if the choices were mine. And yet, I would not have chosen any other person to share what we have encountered together, with.

Dear Papa Bear…

If I am Mother Earth, you are the sun. You keep me warm, provide me with directions as my compass and focus. I zone in on you, you are my home. And in our now, our new season of life and expansion, I look to you, in the new horizon and give thanks for all we are doing, seeing and being. How did we get here? It was by going through the waves and the stages, and finally accepting, that opening our hearts and minds to the experiences makes getting from stage to stage smoother.

Dear Papa Bear…

Thank you for being there.

What’s this…

I’m not sure if we should call this normal
Whatever this is. 
What this is,
Is an out of character display of serendipity 
That has us behaving irrationally,
What is this? 
This is a pull drowning our sensibility 
Taking us out to sea
Drifting out on evaporated pragmatism 
Floating now 
That is what this is
No air 
No wisdom
No safety net
Precarious as a cliffhanger, 
yet not
How could we? 
This is unreal

Could we call this normal?
Not under normal circumstances 
But what about us is?
Paths drawn on a map
Outside of our well-planned
Decisions 
That crossed unexpectedly, 
like growing vines
And likewise, unnoticed 
So left, unchecked
As they were
But that’s what they say about vines
They may become intertwined 
And one day 
We awoke to the realization 
Outside of expectations 
Automatically entangled 
Full scale fusion 

Now we’re interlocked 
In ways and places 
That seem too surreal 
We’re now marked by each other
Each other’s lives, experiences, factors 
They all matter
We’re like amalgamated stones
You see that there are two
But the result is seamless 
There’s no separation 
What’s this?
This is something we could never plan
Something we stepped into
Somewhere we feel safe
In a time we call now
This is the part of our journey 
We had no insight on its pending arrival 

What’s this? we ask
This is… what this is 
A time still ticking
A world still forming
A bond still building 
A script still in writing 
A reason worth exploring 
A knowledge worth gaining
An experience worth having
An us worth being, together 
What’s this?
This is us. 

Patched Up Heart

With every stitch
And every bandage 
I patched my broken heart
And lied through my teeth
I was fine
I had to be
It’s the one lie 
I would believe 
Until it was achieved 
As the reality
I won’t accept defeat
With glue 
And paint
And tape
And thread
I’ve pulled it off
It now looks whole
I’ve managed after trying 
So damn hard
I’ve managed 
To hide or plug
The gaping hole 

Shaded Sunshine

Dear sunshine,
Who broke your rays?
I can see in your eyes
You’re shaded
There’s more to your old soul
More to your quirky style
More to your sarcasm 
More to your half smile

Hello sunny day
Where did you get those clouds
I can see them rushing in
Bringing both shade and rain
Invoking emotions deemed nonexistent 
Pulling out tears
Pulling out lies
Pulling me in

Hello morning star
If you’re asking
I’m responding 
And I still am, if you’re not
Lost in this moment 
I’m without words
I’m without wisdom 
I’m simply with you 

Hello fireball 
You’re still in there
You don’t see it now
But just hold on
Ears will listen to you
Arms will hold you 
Palms will caress your face
Fingers will entwine yours

Once more…

Alone

‪I stand alone‬
‪I look at myself‬
‪I know the me seen ‬
‪By nobody else‬
‪It’s all a front‬
‪A necessary mask‬
‪Not to show my weakness‬
‪Nor my scars ‬
‪I stand alone‬
‪I steer into my own eyes ‬
‪Who am I fooling‬
‪With this ego, this artificial pride ‬
‪Behind every man‬
‪Should be his woman, his backbone‬
‪But unfortunately‬
‪I stand alone ‬

Painted

O my scars are painted with permanent ink
There is no blood stain
No residue of the fallen tears
It’s all dried up 
Like the loveless tide
Now pulling me in

O my eyelids have not laid resting
There’s been no peace
For weeks and weeks unending
After continuous questions 
Of how could 
And what really happened 

O my wounds have healed yet festering 
No wound this deep 
Or so painfully penetrating 
Deserves simply forgetting
Or discarding
No, there will be memorials 

O my heart hasn’t stopped breaking 
The seams from the cracks 
Are still tearing minutely 
Every now and then
Awakening 
Something wrenching and unstoppable 

O my lips keep trembling 
I can’t bring myself to say it
Not to those who matter anyhow 
I’m struggling, stifling,
Suffocating 
The words cannot come out

O my eyes stay opened 
No sleeping but no waking
Just agape, as if prized opened
Against their wills
Straining
And I could use a few moments of not seeing

O thoughts keep on wandering 
Because my mind can’t stop
Itself from wondering 
Is this real
Joking
This can’t be where we compromise to

O my feet keep failing
And I hear my inside voice
Especially the one I used around
Strangers and friends 
Screaming
Silence is no longer an option

O I’m painted in permanent ink 
Of something I had never expected 
But it’s not all I’m painted with
There’s also love
Unadulterated 
And it keeps lifting me up

Change

He changed and my heart aches 
Because I put my heart on a shelf 
Forgot about myself
Gave this my all
And he changed

He changed and my mind hurts
Like there’s a literal piece 
That now just doesn’t work
Even though I’ve tried
He still changed

He changed and I can’t reverse
The levels and extent of it
So I deal with the loss
Of what and who I have loved
And try to move on from it

He changed and now I don’t know
If the person I met was even real
Was it all a lie
What am I to do in these times
And why did this happen to me

He’s changed and the changes changed me
Because I formed so much of my life 
Around who he used to be
It’s hard to accept 
I now have to change again

He did change but it’s the lie 
That cuts me deep
The stabs in my back
The slaps in my face 
The reality of everyone else being happy but me

Crooked Smile

I’m a girl with a crooked smile, who laughs and cries in the same “while”
The girl with the open arms, giving and showing, and sharing my warmth
The girl with the happy heart, helplessly hopeful, right from the start
The girl with the sunny skies, keeping my distance from hurts and lies

I’m the one who used to obey, not knowing what path to take, but going anyway
The one who had to cry, everytime someone chose to say goodbye 
The one carrying this pain, even now still, the impact remains
The one hiding her horror, of not being certain what is in store for our tomorrow 

I’m socially inept at times, but I’m thinking that is all fine
I won’t fit in a mold, because I have been already exposed to the cold
I am the one who would leave, all that I have, and to one cleave
I’m the girl, her smile broken, by so many things, I have not spoken. 

What I Never Wanted

I wanted it to be a dream, the day that never was, a figment of my imagination only. I wanted it to be something no one recalled because it never happened, not really, and so it would never be a matter that arose in any conversation, anywhere.

I wanted it to be nothing, nothing at all. The kind that fell into the nothingness of an abyss of 3am and never woke up, was never spoken of. I wanted it to not have meaning or truth or substance or life. I wanted it to have nothing, so I said nothing.

I thought if I didn’t feed it, it would die. But the less I said, the more it kept hounding me, eating me alive, from inside. My organs were giving in, one at a time. And in silence, I had no tears left for crying. I was weak while it grew strong, and I didn’t know how to hold on.

I wanted to die, because I could no longer hide its impact. I was overwhelmed by the darkness and pain I toted around like an umbrella of dark, low-hanging clouds. Suffocated by this fog that wrapped me first like a comfy cloak then squeezed so tightly, my soul fell to the floor.

I needed it to go, or I would not survive this, could not, at this rate, in this state. I felt the guillotine marching towards me, with head bowed and eyes closed. That midnight black, so thick, it was soft to the touch. Eerie and untrustworthy, ready to take me.

I wanted, needed, hoped and wished and prayed, that it was never, but it was. And it did. And if I never turned around and confronted that monster, face to face, this would be another story, told by someone else, wishing it never was.

How can I?

Some days I’m not even the worst version of the self I once knew,

I hide behind smiles or passive aggression, whichever suits the situation

Not because I need so badly to please others, but more because I don’t want to address whatever gets me to this state.

I have scattered thoughts of how my life is versus how I thought or wished or hoped it would behave been by now.

And I just feel that drowning effect of disappointment overtaking my ability to breathe and my will to live

My drug is mind numbing screen time that just makes me forget how much life batters my heart at times

And so I at times ask myself, “how can I combat this?” And I ask God the same question because I obviously don’t have the answers

And He tells me, “Trust me, for I have a plan, and it’s beyond whatever you think is possible for yourself. And whatsoever your deficiencies are, I am more than sufficient. So never ask “how can you” because you can’t, but I can”.

By The Waters

I sat by the brook

Engrossed in thinking

Of times past

I was lonely

I was alone

But the waters

O what soothing company

A plethora of thoughts

Mangled into one huge mass

Had me perplexed

My weary bones

My restless flesh

Wished for alleviation

From this tiredness

Life, o strange experience

Life, this beautiful mess

I contemplated it all

Seated by the still waters

By the rivers of Babylon

Where I sat down

Trying unsuccessfully

To wash my mind

Of yesterday

In anticipation of

Tomorrow

📸 capture876

Walking with Grace

There was a journey I had to take

That scared me white, lifeless

But you held my hand, smiled and said

“This is easier with another”

You are that glue, stubborn glue

That can’t be washed away

You stuck with me through hard and harder

You never bent, broke or frayed

And thinking of all my life

Those moments small and great

The ones I wish to remember

You always were here to celebrate

You’re not only kind

You love with your all

You’re patient and supportive

Even when you shouldn’t you take the call

You’re what a woman should be

Solomon’s version

You are light, you are persistent

You are grace, in person

Your challenges are inspirational

Because you take them on with class

Your wins are motivating

You conquer and you outlast

Life throws you sour

And sometimes that brings tears

But your trust is in the Most High

He is the only One you fear

You continue to color the lives

Of so many souls

You brighten worlds

You lighten loads

You smile and laugh

And celebrate with many

And likewise mourn with the mourners

And help the fallen change their story

You pray for the faint

Hold their hands in body and spirit

And there are days I admit

You do not get what you merit

But nothing changes between us

Only time and space

And when I’m overwhelmed by this journey

I’m still walking with you, Grace

Falling Asleep Crying

I’ve fallen asleep crying

a few times,

at night,

over unanswered questions,

heartbreak,

disappointments,

and such likes.

I’ve fallen asleep

at nights

crying

because of physical pain

where I groaned

for endless moments

until the relief of sleep came.

Something different occurred

that changed the game,

flipped the script,

twisted my scope,

that I was out of my depths with,

causing me to fall asleep crying,

in the middle of the morning

I lost someone

I have never met.

He or she, I can’t say,

was supposed to change my life,

my world,

my future.

And I suppose even the loss

of the unmet did.

Yes, without arriving,

this someone,

departed

and that tore my heart

right out of my chest

so when the pain got too overwhelming

when I could not find reason

or meaning

for keeping silent

or being strong.

I laid in my bed,

right there,

beside the other half of my heart,

and wept bitterly,

openly,

until my throat was hoarsed

and my eyes raw.

He must have been terrified,

I clawed at my metaphorical heart and mind,

and poured out all the emotions

I could find.

My mind wandered and wondered,

until I was at a loss,

for words,

for sound,

or tears.

I must have fallen asleep then,

because the next thing I was conscious of

was waking up,

to that gutted abyss,

and starting to cry

myself to sleep,

all over again.

9 weeks, 3 days

You’re no longer here

After almost two and a half months

I stopped feeling you, inside

I no longer have constant company

Throughout my days

Throughout my nights

To talk to, express all my emotions

I don’t feel you, anymore

Gone, vanished, disappeared

Your invasive inconvenience

Of having to sleep on my back

Or starting to walk with a wobble

I’m sure you enjoyed that

I started reading a book

I bought it to read to you aloud

But as soon as I got around to it

You were no longer around

No longer am I reminded

That it’s 8am, time for breakfast

You had me starving by then

I was hungry and tired all the time

I’m now alert and attentive and remembering things

Which is a heartbreak of a different kind

It’s like you just poofed away

But with a massive bang

Because that night you said goodbye

I thought I would surely die

It was so painful

So scary, so surreal

I didn’t know what to expect

My body was out of its element

I cried, I trembled

But I couldn’t hold on to you

I now understand what unconditional love means

I loved you just for knowing

You were created through love

I loved you just for existing

I loved you as my answered prayer

Though you only lasted a fraction of the time alotted

You took a hold on my heart

Before you departed

I hope it mends for the next time around

I miss you,

My 9 weeks, 3 days and several agonizing hours