How can I?

Some days I’m not even the worst version of the self I once knew,

I hide behind smiles or passive aggression, whichever suits the situation

Not because I need so badly to please others, but more because I don’t want to address whatever gets me to this state.

I have scattered thoughts of how my life is versus how I thought or wished or hoped it would behave been by now.

And I just feel that drowning effect of disappointment overtaking my ability to breathe and my will to live

My drug is mind numbing screen time that just makes me forget how much life batters my heart at times

And so I at times ask myself, “how can I combat this?” And I ask God the same question because I obviously don’t have the answers

And He tells me, “Trust me, for I have a plan, and it’s beyond whatever you think is possible for yourself. And whatsoever your deficiencies are, I am more than sufficient. So never ask “how can you” because you can’t, but I can”.

By dasouda

By The Waters

I sat by the brook

Engrossed in thinking

Of times past

I was lonely

I was alone

But the waters

O what soothing company

A plethora of thoughts

Mangled into one huge mass

Had me perplexed

My weary bones

My restless flesh

Wished for alleviation

From this tiredness

Life, o strange experience

Life, this beautiful mess

I contemplated it all

Seated by the still waters

By the rivers of Babylon

Where I sat down

Trying unsuccessfully

To wash my mind

Of yesterday

In anticipation of

Tomorrow

📸 capture876
By dasouda

Walking with Grace

There was a journey I had to take

That scared me white, lifeless

But you held my hand, smiled and said

“This is easier with another”

You are that glue, stubborn glue

That can’t be washed away

You stuck with me through hard and harder

You never bent, broke or frayed

And thinking of all my life

Those moments small and great

The ones I wish to remember

You always were here to celebrate

You’re not only kind

You love with your all

You’re patient and supportive

Even when you shouldn’t you take the call

You’re what a woman should be

Solomon’s version

You are light, you are persistent

You are grace, in person

Your challenges are inspirational

Because you take them on with class

Your wins are motivating

You conquer and you outlast

Life throws you sour

And sometimes that brings tears

But your trust is in the Most High

He is the only One you fear

You continue to color the lives

Of so many souls

You brighten worlds

You lighten loads

You smile and laugh

And celebrate with many

And likewise mourn with the mourners

And help the fallen change their story

You pray for the faint

Hold their hands in body and spirit

And there are days I admit

You do not get what you merit

But nothing changes between us

Only time and space

And when I’m overwhelmed by this journey

I’m still walking with you, Grace

By dasouda

Falling Asleep Crying

I’ve fallen asleep crying

a few times,

at night,

over unanswered questions,

heartbreak,

disappointments,

and such likes.

I’ve fallen asleep

at nights

crying

because of physical pain

where I groaned

for endless moments

until the relief of sleep came.

Something different occurred

that changed the game,

flipped the script,

twisted my scope,

that I was out of my depths with,

causing me to fall asleep crying,

in the middle of the morning

I lost someone

I have never met.

He or she, I can’t say,

was supposed to change my life,

my world,

my future.

And I suppose even the loss

of the unmet did.

Yes, without arriving,

this someone,

departed

and that tore my heart

right out of my chest

so when the pain got too overwhelming

when I could not find reason

or meaning

for keeping silent

or being strong.

I laid in my bed,

right there,

beside the other half of my heart,

and wept bitterly,

openly,

until my throat was hoarsed

and my eyes raw.

He must have been terrified,

I clawed at my metaphorical heart and mind,

and poured out all the emotions

I could find.

My mind wandered and wondered,

until I was at a loss,

for words,

for sound,

or tears.

I must have fallen asleep then,

because the next thing I was conscious of

was waking up,

to that gutted abyss,

and starting to cry

myself to sleep,

all over again.

By dasouda

9 weeks, 3 days

You’re no longer here

After almost two and a half months

I stopped feeling you, inside

I no longer have constant company

Throughout my days

Throughout my nights

To talk to, express all my emotions

I don’t feel you, anymore

Gone, vanished, disappeared

Your invasive inconvenience

Of having to sleep on my back

Or starting to walk with a wobble

I’m sure you enjoyed that

I started reading a book

I bought it to read to you aloud

But as soon as I got around to it

You were no longer around

No longer am I reminded

That it’s 8am, time for breakfast

You had me starving by then

I was hungry and tired all the time

I’m now alert and attentive and remembering things

Which is a heartbreak of a different kind

It’s like you just poofed away

But with a massive bang

Because that night you said goodbye

I thought I would surely die

It was so painful

So scary, so surreal

I didn’t know what to expect

My body was out of its element

I cried, I trembled

But I couldn’t hold on to you

I now understand what unconditional love means

I loved you just for knowing

You were created through love

I loved you just for existing

I loved you as my answered prayer

Though you only lasted a fraction of the time alotted

You too a hold on my heart

Before you departed

I hope it mends for the next time around

I miss you,

My 9 weeks, 3 days and several agonizing hours

By dasouda

Dear Diary 09/24/19…

So it’s the final days of September 2019. I never imagined I would be doing any of what I am doing now but here I am, in a foreign country welcoming my second Fall and of course bracing for another winter. Mind you I am all Caribbean, not a foreign bone exists in my body, so as rain set up I get cold. Now imagine heading out to catch the bus at 6am when the weather app on my phone keeps displaying single digit temperatures. Jah know star…

Jamaica is my home, wherever I may roam, Jamaica my pretty island. Sigh, whenever I think of how I stepped in that plane in boiling sun hot and landed in frigid snow I just shake my head, inna real life! But they always say, heights of great men (and yes, women) reach and kept was not attained by sudden flight. So whatever the basket you get, carry your water because it’s a today’s investment for tomorrow’s cash out.

And some may even wonder why I did this, because in all honesty I was fine as fine goes before I uprooted my family of deux and made the trod. But as the saying goes, “Father has his own, mother has her own, blessed is the child who has his (her) own”. I haven’t seen the big break as yet, but I have testimonies of how many changes and challenges I have faced but life is bigger than one or a few experiences. And I am determined to grow and glow up while in the land of the living.

So until next time, walk good. As for me, Winter is coming!

By dasouda

Blue

Some days go by

Without us realizing

Or stopping to acknowledge

Or pausing to give thanks

Some incidents occur

And we get wounded

Or entrenched in feelings

Or misunderstandings

Sometimes it’s all a mistake

A callous and selfish accident

Or so we want to believe

Or so the ones we love say

Some memories are beautiful

We want to hold them forever

Or so painful, we can’t forget

Or traumatic, they stay alive yet fragmented

Some days we all just want nothing

Others we want the world

Or we’re confused and don’t know

But some days, sometimes, we’re just

….BLUE

{barely living under (a lot of) emotions}

By dasouda

Day 1

The moment your reality became knowledge,

Is the moment we all fell in love

That moment changed many lives.

You are a blessing

Even without your beautiful smile

Beautiful eyes

You opened your eyes

And brought to life

A different world

And we all journey with you

Around the sun

In your reality

As well as protecting you

From less pleasant realities

You are that love

That one cannot and could not

Express in neither words nor actions

Here you are

The joy of all our hearts

And your journey is only just beginning

Happy birthday Asier B.

Love from aunty Dee and uncle Dece

By dasouda

I don’t want to

How much do you listen to

Your little murmurs

As you finally fall

In REM

I don’t want to

But I do

I listen as you exhausted limbs

Finally relax

And give in

To the temptation

Of rest

And you go under

I listen as your

Overworked brain

Slows down

As an unwound clock

And your pace tempers

To an almost full stop

I even watch your chest

Rising as waves

Of the Caribbean Blue

And crashing as same

I must

Though I don’t want to

I don’t want to

But I must

Because my love

You are all I have

And my heart

Holds on to yours

I don’t want to

Yet I will

Since the forces

Are too great

I am unable to resist

Its influence

I will watch

As you sleep

After a long grueling day

Of preparing

The foundation

For our future

I don’t want to

But I do

Because I am grateful

For you

For your sacrifices

For your love

By dasouda

White Walker

out of the mist

of a cold

lonely time

just like the mystic

white walker

you came

and stole my pain

I was so focused

on how blue

and dark

devastated

and deserted

my world was

there was no

sunshine

no light

no joy

no warmth

no peace

just torment

and I

so evasive

so enigmatic

was no easy

prey

but there you

were

and like a tree

there you

stayed

once you entered

full of need

to dominate

my entire world

casting light

on my

darkness

giving life

to my

forgotten wishes

and deciding

comes what may

I am now

your territory

to settle

to protect

to nurture

and so

you have

and so

you continue to

and here I am

o white walker

giving you

full reigns

of this state

compass

to the roads

and tracks

and alleys

it is all yours

to seek

to discover

to take

 

 

By dasouda

Birthday Expression 1.0

For what gift have I received that means more?

For what moment have I shared that amounts to more?

You are my person

You are my king

You are my God’s given

You are my everything

We will gain

We will lose

We will experience

We will choose

Together

But we will have each other

You are my gift

Any other gift

Is just a plus

I love you

I wish there was more

I could do

Or say

But for now,

My love

Happy birthday 😘

For OOB

By dasouda

Birthday Words

Another year.

So much has happened

Plenteous and continuous

How can you count your blessings

You truly can’t

But if you could

It would be like the stars

Promised to Abraham

Shining as a beacon of hope

Reminding us like Noah’s rainbow

God’s words never go void

What He says

He does

No buts, no ifs, no maybes

And He did promise

No abandonment

Provision for all needs

According to His riches

So what’s next?

You may ask that

Increase

Expansion

Overflow

For TBW 12.06.18

By dasouda

Frozen Still

Memories in the corner

Of my mind

Of the way we were

Of the things we did

Of how we weathered our storms

Of the course we took

Of how our story went down

Memories of how we smiled

Of how we lied through our teeth

Saying we were fine with goodbye

Of how we left the queries unanswered

Of how we erased our life together

Or so we tried

But in the corners of my mind

Frozen still, unmoved

And unmovable

Is the way we were

The how we were

Iced away

Not going away

Staring me down

Like a cold hearted

Broken hearted being

By dasouda

Weighted

There are these scars

That I carry

Like a limb

Although they are from so far

In my past

And it seemed like forever

Before I could lay them down

I waited, desperately

For my present to be pleasant

For my days to have sunshines

For my heart not to hurt

For my mind not to be so…

Weighted

I felt tortured

And tormented and perplexed

Emotionally

The pain seeped through my pores

The hurt poured through my veins

And I, burdened

Hoped for my life to change

I needed a renewal

I was nervous

But as I hoped

I waited

Tired, of being so

Weighted

Peace joy love

Finally got a hold of me

I was at the edge

In need of saving

Now I am lifted

A hand reached out

In my darkness

And tugged

At the strings of my heart

Taking me to a new high

I’ve leveled up

After being down for so long

No longer am I weighted

By dasouda

Every Night

I once wished I was perfect
From this I’ve recovered nicely
Now that I have you
Now that you have me
Perfection is not even an issue
Not even a thought crossing minds
When we talk
When we listen
When we make plans
Every night

We are both shy, self-conscious
We hardly remember that
When it’s just us
When all we see are each other
There’s no point
Not an inkling of reason why
When we chat
When we giggle
When we hope for tomorrow
Every night

You may have thought of me
As farfetched
And I you, likewise
Look at us now though
Like star-crossed lovers
Cliche Bonnie and Clyde
We have us
That’s enough
For us both to fall asleep with
Every night

By dasouda

Deep Blue Love

If it’s dying for love

I was dying

If it’s drowning in love

I am drowning

From one extreme

To the other

At first neglected

Now smothered

Inclined to want

All the beauty

I found someone

Who needs me

He takes care

Of my every need

But I’m sure

All this love

Will eventually

Kill me

I got so use to

Being an afterthought

It’s hard now

To adjust

So I am always waiting

For the day

When his true bad self

Will be revealed

Yet he keeps

Drowning me

In love potions

It felt like a sea

Now an ocean

I’m lost in this vast

Real fantasy

This man has gotten

The best of me

I watch out for signs

That he’s changing

Or that the love

He shows

Is pretend

But all I get

Are varieties of

The same thing

He loves me

Over and over again

I prayed for

One like this

Not believing miracles

Could still come true

Not knowing these kinds

Still exist

But then he came

Out of the blue

Who knew this would

Happen to me?

Who knew love would finally

Find me?

I sure didn’t 

I’m still unsure

I hope it really has

But reiterating 

Once, twice, thrice

Each time as I resurface

Each gasp for air I’m allowed 

I am driving myself mad 

With uncertainty 

With wonder

Where did I get on?

Where will this boat dock?

I’m hanging on

For dear life

For more than that

For eternity 

Because after this

However short or long

After this is the afterlife

This is forever for me

My forever is now

I am blue daba dee daba da

And I am drowning 

Save me from myself 

A drop of him 

And I fell fast

A drop from him 

And I am stuck

Riveted in this spot

Drowning in love

Unable to swim out

No shore in sight

Not sure what I would find

Out there 

If I was to leave here

Go? Where?

I’m certain He sent him

For me 

So I could stop breathing so hard

So I could stop reinforcing my guard

So I could just be still and know

This is what heavy duty love feels like

On a grander scale

1….

2…

3…

I’m now down under

This overflow.

By dasouda

Not the easiest for you

For you
I’m not the easiest
Book to read,
I have torn,
Burnt,
And missing pages
And even those
That are left
Intact
Have illegible
Scribblings
And unfinished
Sentences

For you
I’m not the easiest
Way to travel
There are
Too many opportunities
For accidents
And endless
Ways
To get lost
In my eyes
Or maybe
In my messy ways

For you
I’m not the simplest
Choice to pick
As a matter of fact
I may be
The least favorite
Because with this choice
Comes the option
Of losing
Your heart
Your mind
Your everything

For you
I’m not the simplest
Being to figure out
As a matter of fact
I may be
The most mind boggling
I’ve got details
That are puzzling
I’ve got questionable
Time lines
And evidence of
Being crazy and cruel

For you
I’m not the kindest
Or so I may seem
But I have the kindest
Of intentions
And my unkindness
Is part
Of my armour
Built over years
Of life experiences
Facing loss
And hurt

So I’m not the simplest
One to comprehend
Not the easiest
Heart to enter
Nor will my words
Always be the kindest
But know this
I love deeply
I never let go
And even when
I am my meanest
And in my ugliest state
My love is still strongest
For you

By dasouda

Even if all this

Even if this is not the first time
It’s our first time
And that’s all that matters

Even if it’s not the perfect place
It’s our place
Nowhere else would be better

Even if we have seen many things
Or done many things
This was love at first glance

Even if we’ve crossed paths before
This is our time now
So it’s perfect timing for us

Even if you have loved before
Even if I have had my heart broken
Even if we are unsure of what will happen
Even if this is new
Even if I feel like running scared
Even if you have to put your trust in me
Even if I have to pray for you everyday
Even if this is a surprise
Even if your touch wakes me up
Even if I keep hoping I am enough
Even if we don’t know
Even if you move fast
Even if I wish to move slow
Even if this was just another story
Even if there weren’t any fault in our Stars
Even if I didn’t need you like the air that rises and falls my chest
Even if you and I didn’t know that we are now in love

It wouldn’t matter
It’s already done
I’m already yours
And you, mine

By dasouda

Just letting you know

I’m not sprung
You do not have me under any spell
Of any sorts
I am not enchanted or bewitched
I just love you
From your thoughtfulness
To your corniness
And every craziness in between
This, us, is some serious mess
And I am a little afraid
But I love you
I am sure
Because you adore me
And notice all the attributes
I tend to overlook
While I critique myself inside out
And you show me everyday
I don’t need big words
I just need sensible conversation
Truth and frankness
And you give me that
So I love you
I appreciate all of your time
You try to fit into mine
And the effort you make
Just to ensure I feel safe
I am always aware
Of how much you care
You are not afraid to ask, show and tell
Which makes me feel compelled
To let you know
That I love you
Because of all this
Despite of all this
Throughout all this
You know when I’m off
You see what I try to hide
You understand my apprehension
You listen to me all the time
And so I want you to know
That even when I am scared
To stroke egos and reassure
In case I am being taken for a ride
That may end soon
I love you
I already do
So I just think it’s fair
That you know that I do

Xoxo

By dasouda

Light Up

I’m not a cigarette
I’m not a lantern
Nor a candle
Nor a bulb
But when you are around
When you land
When you touch down
I just light up
My face radiates
My entire being illuminates
You talk and I listen
You walk and I follow
You ebb and I flow
You plant and I grow
You knock and I open
You exist and…
I just light up
It’s not a thought
It’s not a wish
It’s not even an illusion
It’s fact
Not fiction
Wherever this goes
Will be luminous
No matter when
No matter how we get there
Because you are my flame babe
Old and new
For years to come and go
I’m your rib
I’m your teammate
I’m your partner
It’s a very good chance
You are my lighter
Smile with me now
Dance with me
Drink in these memories
We are making together
You can’t be lost
I’ll show you the way
Open your eyes
And watch me
As I light up

For..O.B.💜

By dasouda